Things may not go as planned and some days may be harder than what you can endure. But it will all come to and end and eventually things are going to fix themselves.
Sometimes one has to take an unexpected swing in life, choosing a path that was never considered before. Or even discarded. But life can turn upside down so quickly, that we change our mind about big things.
I always thought that this place would have been my home until the end. But I came to learn that places are not all that matters. People matter too. And when people decide to give you a hard time, there are no four walls you can call home with the same peace as before.
I’m giving as little thought as possible to leaving. I’m focusing on getting out of here and starting to be free again. To have a place I can feel comfortable and relaxed when I’m in. To stop worrying for every small thing I do. Many times I told my self that I love the house, the neighbourhood, the shops I have so close to the apartment and the people I came to know. The ones I see every morning coming out the train station, walking the same street as me, just in opposite direction. The arts school where from time to time they decorate the walls with drawing of famous monuments, people or paintings. My favourite shops and supermarkets, the industrial school area and the lively atmosphere, even during winter nights. The library where I haven’t spent enough time… and the dance room where I didn’t manage to enroll for more courses. Been waiting almost three years for a ballet course I won’t manage to take in this place.
But I’ll do it somewhere else. I’ll decorate the room, buy the lamp I’ve always wanted, keep running when I’ll feel better and get to know the people, the shops, and some new product I may like. Changing is scary, but it’s necessary. It serves to shake away the bad feelings that are now rooted in my body and sucking away its energy. It serves to look at the whole situation from another perspective and find a new balance where I can be satisfied with what I am and do, instead of constantly fighting with the urge of doing more, but feeling stuck by boundaries that were set for me.
Most of all, I want space. Physical space that I can breathe, where I can see that there’s enough to keep all of me, where I’m not blocked by limitations, where I can be happy and where I can look outside of the windows, because no one decided to put a courtain over it. I wanna be able to choose what to do with my own stuff. I wanna be able to open up and not to fit in. I can’t wait to bloom and see the sun and finally smile.
Cause that’s what I deserve: blooming and smiling at the world I can finally see.